Ridiculous Book Sex

Alas, a subject I have been dying to write about. A topic that needs further discussion.

Sex in books.

Romance readers want to have a good time while reading. They want the heartache, the sappy moments, etc. If a romance has the whole package, including good sex scenes, then it´s a total win for us readers.

Reality has taught us that sex can be loads of fun ( If done right, of course. ) and reading about it in a book that has a drop-dead-gorgeous male protagonist in it makes the head theater much more fun.

When I´m reading an erotic romance I´m literally waiting for a good sex scene with great sex. You know- the mind-blowing kind. The kind of sex in books that take a reader to a complete new level of horniness. I´m not talking about reading a porn….I´m referring to a romance / erotica novel that has sex in it. ( okay….maybe erotica novels come pretty close to porn, or not. What do I know?!)

In my opinion – reading about sex cannot be compared to pornography because… Well, characters in books have background stories and go through emotional highs and lows. Porn doesn´t. Although, my husband disagrees with me on that one. Just the other day he tried to convince me that porn movies have an actual plot. * Hangs head * Romance novels keep it real to a certain extent.

ANYWAYS…. Back to book sex:
I bow before any author who writes about sex. Period. I cannot imagine how hard it is to write about 2 people screwing and gushing their feelings for each other. Some authors have so much talent in that department. I often ask myself if those scenes came from personal experience or if it´s just a thought up scene. Imagined. Either way…..I love extremely well written, fully described, sensual, intimate sex scenes in novels. Nothing makes me more happy to know someone put a lot of thought into a scene like that. It´s actually pretty cool if you think about it.

But then there are authors who just write about sex. You know…..the questionable kind. The kind that puts huge question marks on my panties instead of making them change their color.

Now- this is a subject we all can discuss to no end because everyone has a different opinion on what good sex is. Which is fine by me. We all have different tastes, right? I´m not judging anyone if they like to read about any type of bed sports. To each is their own. But in some cases ( no matter what kind of sex I´m talking about) the sex is too much to take in. It´s also almost tacky. Tasteless. 

Authors often over-do it with their sex scenes. I´m not talking about all authors. I´m only referring to 75% of self published writers who include sex in their romances.

I consider myself still young, with being 35. I´m practically living in the best years of my life. But not even I find it sexy to read about characters who screw at every given opportunity. I can´t, by all that´s holy, visualize a sex marathon that goes on and on and on without feeling some sort of mental exhaustion after a while.

You have to keep in mind that I´m 35, not 20. I have a hard time keeping up with fictional characters these days because all they want to do is have sex. Even if I wanted to, I couldn´t have as much sex as book characters have. It´s as if these fictional characters are trying to compete with rabbits.

I know that the stories I read ( especially in the romance/erotica world) aren´t meant to be realistic. Still…..cut me some slack here- At some point, a Heroine has to start walking like John Wayne after she´s been well screwed / shagged / fucked by the sex-God from down the road. I´d definitely need a weeks worth of bed rest if were a female protagonist from any sex loaded novel.

I live in Europe…which means people over here are confronted with sex on a daily basis in a healthy way. Sex is apart of life. No need to shut up about it.   Either people like it kinky, or they don´t. No one is utterly fazed or shocked over here. So, before anyone gives me the ” Prude” stamp- keep in mind that I´m as open-minded as anyone can be. You cannot shock me with sexual acts or dirty talk, or what-not. I just do not appreciate bad / too much sex in a book. That just distracts from the actual plot. Or a terrible dialogue, for that matter.

An author can make their characters as kinky as they want them to be…I still don´t think anyone or anything should have sex 20 times a day, as some authors LOVE to make their characters do. That just…..hurts to think about.

 

And, please, * slamming hands on table, leaning forward, giving the stern look*, what is it with the Dialogue during sex scenes? Has anyone noticed how the majority of romance / erotica heros do the ultimate „ You´re so wet for me“ line?

Or, wait! I got a better one!

“Come for me, baby“  *shaking head* Am I the only one who noticed those two sentences in almost EVERY romance / erotica novel lately?

It´s not the sentences alone that are terrible. It´s the fact that those sentences come up in every damn sex scene. Let´s say characters X and Y are having sex for the first time. And all of a sudden X says: „ Oh, you´re so wet for me.“ Okay. It´s a line that isn´t original, but it´s still okay. If an author believes those words must be included, fine.

When X and Y have sex the second and third time ( in the same night, day, week ), X says the same words to Y. Uuhm… * scratching head * Does Y need a bucket because she´s so wet? Should X fetch the Tupperware just in case?

Obviously, X can´t get over the fact that Y gets wet! Y get´s utterly wet as soon as X touches her! Y is leaking.

And when X commands Y to orgasm ( or better…to come – to cum ) Y magically orgasms. Every single time! Some ladies might find that ” to orgasm ” on command is a hard task to do. But who am I kidding * wave off * I´m thinking way to realistic. What do I know, right?

Let´s rehash-

X is fascinated by the fact that Y gets so wet for him all the time that he needs to announce it.

Y can orgasm on command effortlessly because X is DA SHIT!

Let´s do a real life version of a novel sex scene ( of course, a woman has a few options on how to respond to the magic words)-

Guy: „ oh, Baby….you´re so wet for me.“

Woman: ( option nr. 1 ) „ U-huh.“

Woman: ( option nr .2 ) „ Really? How bad is it down there?“

Woman: ( option nr. 3 ) „ Yeah, I´m so wet for you.“

Or the woman might not give any answer and enjoy what´s bound to happen.

Guy: „ You want to come? Then come, NOW!“

Woman: „ Hold on…I´m almost there…“

Guy: „ No. I want you to come, NOW“

Woman: „ I can´t now. Just keep doing what you´re doing…almost there…“

Guy: ” NOW! Damn it ! N.O.W! Why can´t you orgasm on command?!“

Woman: „ Because I´m NOT  Y from those non-unique sex scenes!!!!“

Do you see my point? A dialogue like that can make whatever feelings I developed disappear into thin air. Poof! Just like that. Gone.

It´s also just as cringe-worthy when the words „moist“ and „cream pie“ are over used. There must be a way to replace those words with something more… fitting? Moist are my kitchen towels after I dry the dishes. And cream pie…. it´s a pie or cake, for heaven’s sake.

And now- while we´re at it… Let us comb through the phrases used in sex scenes. Let´s call it the sex lingo.

Ready?

  • …she tasted like honey…..“ ( I guarantee you, no one tastes like honey down south. Male and female do NOT taste like honey. It´s just a fact. If it were true then you´d be seeing a lot more people going down and having a 3 course meal with „honey“)
  • .. until I finally found her secret center…“ ( A vagina isn´t Narnja. It´s not the rabbit hole that leads to Wonderland. It´s not Barbie´s secret garden, either)
  • …his maleness, passing the petal soft folds of her womanhood…“ ( No vagina lips can be compared to petals. Touch a rose petal then touch vagina lips. It ain´t possible. But touch a turkey´s overlapping skin on his neck and then try touching a vagina. And vagina lips don´t fold. They´re bunched in your underwear. )
  • … I was drowning in her juices…“ ( How many characters are leaking? )
  • …I was blinded as I soared over the edge…“ ( I never went blind before/during/after an orgasm. Maybe I´m doing something wrong? And I never soared anywhere except for the one time when I woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to turn on the bedroom light but missed the wall and switch and went „soaring“ towards the floor. That shit hurt.)

Why compare food and drinks to body fluids? Why not stick to the truth instead of misleading the innocent and giving them weird ideas? Am I thinking too realistic here?

Sometimes people don´t smell like Christmas spices when they pull down their underwear. I can already hear you say „ Eeeeew“ after reading that but it´s true. Any person who´s sexually active KNOWS the dark secrets of sex. And no author has interest in coloring out the harsh reality of event.

Most writers would rather have you believe it´s fabulous to give your partner a blowjob after being on the road for 12 hours with 3 bathroom breaks in between ( without the possibility to wash up..like, at all). There are no rose scents involved there, trust me. Yet, authors will have you believing that the sexual drive between their characters is greater than anything else. They let their characters focus on their lust and ignore the wet fox smell.

As you can probably tell by now, I´ve read some crazy stuff over the last few years and I have a strong feeling that nothing is going to change.

Can we just try to call „his sword“ a penis? Use cock, for all I care….but sword? And how about vagina instead of „where she was moist and desperate“? It´s a vagina. It´s a penis. Either you have one or the other. And maybe it´s a good time to mention that sex is fantastic but sex doesn´t always sell. 

I´m just afraid if young women ( who haven´t had sex yet) read those scenes….they´ll think it´s supposed to be like that in real life. * head against table*

Authors should try to come up with better lines. These people aren´t called artists for no reason. Authors have so many ideas and words to work with…. it should be a piece of cake to come up with something better than „You´re so wet for me.“. It´s really not funny anymore to read the same lines in 80% of all books I read.

This is not meant to discourage writers to include sex in their stories. This is meant to help spark their passion for finding better, more authentic words for their scenes.

The Matchmaker´s Playbook ( Wingmen Inc. #1) – Rachel Van Dyken

Book Description

Wingman rule number one: don’t fall for a client.

After a career-ending accident, former NFL recruit Ian Hunter is back on campus—and he’s ready to get his new game on. As one of the masterminds behind Wingmen, Inc., a successful and secretive word-of-mouth dating service, he’s putting his extensive skills with women to work for the lovelorn. But when Blake Olson requests the services of Wingmen, Inc., Ian may have landed his most hopeless client yet.

From her frumpy athletic gear to her unfortunate choice of footwear, Blake is going to need a miracle if she wants to land her crush. At least with a professional matchmaker by her side she has a fighting chance. Ian knows that his advice and a makeover can turn Blake into another successful match. But as Blake begins the transformation from hot mess to smokin’ hot, Ian realizes he’s in danger of breaking his cardinal rule.…

My Thoughts

It´s been a while since I read a proper NA novel with the right amount of drama and a satisfying ending. `The Matchmaker´s Playbook`, by Rachel Van Dyken, is such a cute read.

It´s about crushed dreams, new opportunities and about making your crush fall for you. And how does that work? Call the Wingmen and VOILA! Ian and Lex come to the rescue with their playbook filled with do´s and don´t´s and save the day!

Besides this being a light and easy going read there was one thing that extremely stood out- the dialogue.

The characters in this novel have sharp tongues and quick minds, never missing a beat when it comes to comebacks- All while trying to focus on professionally matchmaking fellow college students. Cute, right? I absolutely think it is!

There are two tiny ( really microscopic ) issues I have- the story is predictable and too short. But this is just picky ol´ me. 

Anyone who wants a sexy, romantic story filled with light dramatic issues written in the best way ever then you need to grab yourself a copy of The Matchmaker´s Playbook because this is one read you sure don´t want to miss. It´s a romance! We all love romance!

The Cover – 3 stars ( At first, I didn´t like it at all but then after I finished reading I think the cover fits the story. )

The Story – 4 stars ( Cute, witty, quick and fun. We´re talking about devastated college kids here)

The Characters – 4 stars ( Blake was by far my favorite character. Especially her wardrobe. That woman understood the importance of comfort )

My emotional state after finishing this read 100% happy.

I´m giving `The Matchmaker´s Playbook` ( Wingmen Inc. #1) by the wonderful Rachel Van Dyken 4 out of 5 stars.

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This book is avaible via paperback and ebook on Amazon.the-matchmakers-playbook

SPOTLIGHT for `Into The Dark` – Scarlett Drake

Let me introduce you to `Into the Dark`, sequel to A Dark Fall, by Wattpad writer Scarlett Drake.

There are some amazing writers on Wattpad yet I´ve only found one writer who can satisfy my needs when it comes to romance. Scarlett Drake. Oh yeah, that woman can write up a mean story that will flip your stomach over and make your heart beat at an unnatural speed.

We met Jake and Alex in the first installment `A Dark Fall ` and it wasn´t love at first sight just for the characters. Though complete opposites, Jake and Alex stayed together until the writer flushed all our hopes down the toilet with a simple upload of the last chapter that left us readers with an ugly, total cry worthy cliffhanger.

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Remember that last line? It ripped my heart out.

I felt dull, empty and at a total loss without Jake and Alex.

Before I had a chance to turn my bedroom into a proper cave ( makeshift tents rule!) Scarlett Drake uploaded the next part of Jake and Alex´s journey.

The beginning is awesome and cruel at the same time! Where´s Jake? What the Hell is Alex doing? Who is Laurent and why does he exist? Why is he with Alex and how much money do I need to pay the writer to get rid of Laurent? I´m talking business here- Jake and Alex were perfect together. It was hard to read about her and another guy.

Fortunately- Heartbreak and heartache have done enough damage to Alex and I was relieved to see the story continue without Laurent ( that was a close call, folks * wipe sweat off forehead * )

Alex was ruined without Jake in her life yet she still managed to function on the outside. Weeks passed without a word from Jake until the day of her best friends wedding. BAM!

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Seriously, people. I nearly passed out when Jake popped back into the picture. My heart fluttered something fierce. JAKE! HE´S BACK! * cover face with pillow to dampen my scream *

He was back but he acted a bit reserved towards Alex. Okay, fine. I understood that. You don´t run into each others arms after the kind of break up they had. Right. Not saying I didn´t hope for that to happen, though. * gg *

Nevertheless- after they saw each other again things slowly went into motion ( and I was once again a happy reader )

And they had sex. Hot sex. Oh, yes. Awesome sex. The kind everyone wished they had themselves.

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In my opinion- Jake owns oral sex. He should get a medal for best „eater“

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It´s quite fascinating because Jakes actually worships Alex´s beaver as if it´s sacred. Jake makes other book Heros look like their searching for gold in the promise land.

There´s so much going on in this story. Just when you think everything is fine you get knocked over. Alex is going through alot, Jake has alot on his plate to deal with… together they try but life just get´s in their f*****g way! ( I need to calm down..Lol ) I´m not going to be a spoil-brat any longer. Just know that this is one emotional ride you don´t want to miss out on. An emotional Hell-ride with lots of angsty moments. The story feels real. The emotions even more so!

Scarlett Drake left me begging for more after every uploaded chapter on Wattpad and it´s not even finished yet.

`Into The Dark ` is a little over halfways written so we all still got some more reading ahead of us ( doing my PJ- Happy-Dance ) and that means a shit-load more can happen to Jake and Alex ( stopping my PJ-Happy-Dance ).

What will happen next? Let´s find out together!

To read `Into The Dark` all you need to do is click here and enjoy.

Don´t forget to hit the vote button and leave a comment.

We´ll meet again when Scarlett Drake finishes….. until then….. xxx

A Dark Fall ( Book #1) – Scarlett Drake

Book Description

Alex has led a life full of wealth, privilege and opportunity. An accomplished doctor, she’s always followed a very safe path and that has always been enough. She’s always done everything that was expected of her. And its worked out pretty well – until now… Jake has led a life full of violence, power and darkness in the gritty underworld of London’s east end. Respected and feared, he’s forged a life for himself in a world he’s always felt apart from. A world he knows he doesn’t want to live in forever. A world he knows he won’t survive in forever. When one fateful night brings them both together, an instant attraction draws them into a strong obsession. One that neither of them is able to deny. One that neither of them wants to deny. Jake knows he has to have her, and Alex knows she shouldn’t let him. If Jake could only open up to Alex about the dark parts of his life she may just be the very one who can save him from it. Though they are worlds apart – it might just be the very thing that makes them perfect for each other..

My Thoughts

I had the pleasure of reading this years perfect dark romance! After a stab to the neck, Jake Lawrence, a respected criminal, is dragged to a surgery in hopes to receive quick help…. until he hears her voice.

Then she speaks. My body relaxes instantly. She confirms she´s a doctor before ushering us both inside. Her voice is calm and low, and sort of husky and reminds me of the soft contented purr of a cat.“   – Jake

Alex Marlowe, a beautiful, middle class doctor, thought her life was simple and quiet until the night Jake entered the surgery and confused her little normal world. What happens after Alex and Jake meet is so captivating and exciting it had my heart speeding at an abnormal pace.

So God help me- I loved this story.

When opposites collide a catastrophe is bound to happen. And that is exactly what happened with Alex and Jake. Their characters couldn´t have been more different, yet they found a way to make things work between them, despite the events that threatened to tear them apart. I have to say that Jake is one of the best fictional bad-boys I´ve come across in a long time.

Scarlette Drake created the perfect and believable „Don´t fuck with me“ Hero. I mean- Jake Lawrence had the attitude, the language, the moves and the looks. And above all- Jake was passionate. What more could I ask for in a bad-boy? Alex was exactly what I´ve been looking for in a female character. She was….normal. She had the tendency to over-think alot….but what woman doesn´t over-think to much? Perfect.

It was much to my delight that this book gave me exactly what I crave for while reading. Angst, sex ( and you better get that bucket of ice ready because the sex in this story is worth it. All I´m gonna say is: The stairs) and of course, the struggle to keep a relationship work. An absolute MUST READ about love, secrets and wild passion! No one should miss out on this one.

The Cover- 4 stars ( It´s dark, it´s simple, and it gives nothing away from the story)

The Story- 5 stars ( A dark, edgy, very well written romance)

The Characters- 5 stars ( very well developed. Very realistic.)

My emotional state after finishing this story- I´m total mess. Can´t decide if I should be utterly pissed off because it had a cliffhanger, or extremely excited that there will be a second book. Since this story touched all my emotional buttons I´m giving this one a full star rating.

I´m giving `A Dark Fall` by the extremely talented Scarlette Drake 5 out of 5 stars ( and so many more)

This book is currently available on Wattpad for FREE. Click here to start reading. Don´t forget to vote and leave a comment..:-)

A Discovery of Witches – Deborah Harkness

Book Description

A richly inventive novel about a centuries-old vampire, a spellbound witch, and the mysterious manuscript that draws them together. 

Deep in the stacks of Oxford’s Bodleian Library, young scholar Diana Bishop unwittingly calls up a bewitched alchemical manuscript in the course of her research. Descended from an old and distinguished line of witches, Diana wants nothing to do with sorcery; so after a furtive glance and a few notes, she banishes the book to the stacks. But her discovery sets a fantastical underworld stirring, and a horde of daemons, witches, and vampires soon descends upon the library. Diana has stumbled upon a coveted treasure lost for centuries-and she is the only creature who can break its spell. 

Debut novelist Deborah Harkness has crafted a mesmerizing and addictive read, equal parts history and magic, romance and suspense. Diana is a bold heroine who meets her equal in vampire geneticist Matthew Clairmont, and gradually warms up to him as their alliance deepens into an intimacy that violates age-old taboos. This smart, sophisticated story harks back to the novels of Anne Rice, but it is as contemporary and sensual as the Twilight series-with an extra serving of historical realism.

My Thoughts

While I was on my nightly search for „Books similar to Outlander“ I finally came across `A Discovery of Witches` by Deborah Harkness. To be honest- I wasn´t sure if I should even put this one on my mile long TBR list or not. But I´m more than happy I did.

They said this series could be compared to Outlander… They said this story had a touch of Twilight in it… but they ( whoever „they“ are ) weren´t right. `A Discovery of Witches was just as fabulous as Outlander and far better than Twilight- or at least far more interesting and mature.

To make a long fangirling session short: I loved this book. Everything I could ever ask for in a story was in this great read.

  • Top notch romance

  • great character development

  • tons of emotions

  • life threatening events

  • magic

  • historical facts

I have absolutely nothing to nag about. I hardly come across a book that´s so wonderful and full of life like `A Discovery of Witches`.

The story about Diana and Matthew will take a reader on an exciting and adventurous journey and will capture any readers heart from the start.

A witch and a vampire?

Normally, I´m not so huge on paranormal stories. I´ll read books that include vampires and I´ve enjoyed a few, but this one was the best so far. Although the main characters are a witch and a vampire I couldn´t help but feel like they were just normal, everyday people trying to survive life. They obviously weren´t. They were 2 creatures who fought to keep their species a secret AND trying hard to find a book that holds the key to every creatures existence.

On the Hunt for an Existing / Non- Existent Book.

During her research, Diana stumbles upon an unusual book. And ever since she´s opened and shut the ancient volume vampires, witches and daemons start showing alot of interest in Diana, especially Matthew, the mysterious vampire. What was in the book that was so important to the other creatures and why were they all of the sudden invading her personal space when they´ve never done that before? And why can´t she stay away from Matthew when she knows better not to get involved with his kind?

There was SO much to take in while reading this book but it SO worth it. What got me most was the slow growing relationship between Diana and Matthew and how both dealt with their struggle to

  1. stay alive

  2. fight whoever meant them harm

  3. finding themselves individually

  4. find answers to their very existence

along the way. When Diana and Matthew reach the point where they realize they can´t really stay away from each other things get more interesting and much more dangerous for them and those around them.

I´ll tell you this- their relationship takes a reader on a whole new romantic level. There´s nothing sappy or overly lovey-dovey in this story…it´s just…deep and meaningful. Diana and Matthew share something rare and powerful and it nearly knocked me out of my knickers.

I would love nothing more than to go into MORE details but I can´t. Not without giving anything major away. There´s so much information in this one that I simply don´t know where to start and what to leave out. Just take my word for it- You´ll love this book. A highly recommendable read.

The Cover- 5 stars ( I´m a huge fan of covers WITHOUT faces or bodies- it leaves more to the imagination)

The Story- 5 magical stars ( chewing on my own fingernails while reading 720 pages…THAT hardly happens. )

The Characters- 5 stars ( Jamie Fraser- there´s cometition in the house! His name is Matthew Clairmont! And Diana….that woman gets to be my fictional BFF!)

My emotional state after finishing this book – excited! I wanted to be a witch and a vampire!

I´m giving `A Discovery of Witches` ( book 1 All Souls Trilogy) by Deborah Harkness 5 out of 5 stars.

Be sure to get your copy now on Amazon.com. click here and enjoy the story!