Ridiculous Book Sex

Alas, a subject I have been dying to write about. A topic that needs further discussion.

Sex in books.

Romance readers want to have a good time while reading. They want the heartache, the sappy moments, etc. If a romance has the whole package, including good sex scenes, then it´s a total win for us readers.

Reality has taught us that sex can be loads of fun ( If done right, of course. ) and reading about it in a book that has a drop-dead-gorgeous male protagonist in it makes the head theater much more fun.

When I´m reading an erotic romance I´m literally waiting for a good sex scene with great sex. You know- the mind-blowing kind. The kind of sex in books that take a reader to a complete new level of horniness. I´m not talking about reading a porn….I´m referring to a romance / erotica novel that has sex in it. ( okay….maybe erotica novels come pretty close to porn, or not. What do I know?!)

In my opinion – reading about sex cannot be compared to pornography because… Well, characters in books have background stories and go through emotional highs and lows. Porn doesn´t. Although, my husband disagrees with me on that one. Just the other day he tried to convince me that porn movies have an actual plot. * Hangs head * Romance novels keep it real to a certain extent.

ANYWAYS…. Back to book sex:
I bow before any author who writes about sex. Period. I cannot imagine how hard it is to write about 2 people screwing and gushing their feelings for each other. Some authors have so much talent in that department. I often ask myself if those scenes came from personal experience or if it´s just a thought up scene. Imagined. Either way…..I love extremely well written, fully described, sensual, intimate sex scenes in novels. Nothing makes me more happy to know someone put a lot of thought into a scene like that. It´s actually pretty cool if you think about it.

But then there are authors who just write about sex. You know…..the questionable kind. The kind that puts huge question marks on my panties instead of making them change their color.

Now- this is a subject we all can discuss to no end because everyone has a different opinion on what good sex is. Which is fine by me. We all have different tastes, right? I´m not judging anyone if they like to read about any type of bed sports. To each is their own. But in some cases ( no matter what kind of sex I´m talking about) the sex is too much to take in. It´s also almost tacky. Tasteless. 

Authors often over-do it with their sex scenes. I´m not talking about all authors. I´m only referring to 75% of self published writers who include sex in their romances.

I consider myself still young, with being 35. I´m practically living in the best years of my life. But not even I find it sexy to read about characters who screw at every given opportunity. I can´t, by all that´s holy, visualize a sex marathon that goes on and on and on without feeling some sort of mental exhaustion after a while.

You have to keep in mind that I´m 35, not 20. I have a hard time keeping up with fictional characters these days because all they want to do is have sex. Even if I wanted to, I couldn´t have as much sex as book characters have. It´s as if these fictional characters are trying to compete with rabbits.

I know that the stories I read ( especially in the romance/erotica world) aren´t meant to be realistic. Still…..cut me some slack here- At some point, a Heroine has to start walking like John Wayne after she´s been well screwed / shagged / fucked by the sex-God from down the road. I´d definitely need a weeks worth of bed rest if were a female protagonist from any sex loaded novel.

I live in Europe…which means people over here are confronted with sex on a daily basis in a healthy way. Sex is apart of life. No need to shut up about it.   Either people like it kinky, or they don´t. No one is utterly fazed or shocked over here. So, before anyone gives me the ” Prude” stamp- keep in mind that I´m as open-minded as anyone can be. You cannot shock me with sexual acts or dirty talk, or what-not. I just do not appreciate bad / too much sex in a book. That just distracts from the actual plot. Or a terrible dialogue, for that matter.

An author can make their characters as kinky as they want them to be…I still don´t think anyone or anything should have sex 20 times a day, as some authors LOVE to make their characters do. That just…..hurts to think about.

 

And, please, * slamming hands on table, leaning forward, giving the stern look*, what is it with the Dialogue during sex scenes? Has anyone noticed how the majority of romance / erotica heros do the ultimate „ You´re so wet for me“ line?

Or, wait! I got a better one!

“Come for me, baby“  *shaking head* Am I the only one who noticed those two sentences in almost EVERY romance / erotica novel lately?

It´s not the sentences alone that are terrible. It´s the fact that those sentences come up in every damn sex scene. Let´s say characters X and Y are having sex for the first time. And all of a sudden X says: „ Oh, you´re so wet for me.“ Okay. It´s a line that isn´t original, but it´s still okay. If an author believes those words must be included, fine.

When X and Y have sex the second and third time ( in the same night, day, week ), X says the same words to Y. Uuhm… * scratching head * Does Y need a bucket because she´s so wet? Should X fetch the Tupperware just in case?

Obviously, X can´t get over the fact that Y gets wet! Y get´s utterly wet as soon as X touches her! Y is leaking.

And when X commands Y to orgasm ( or better…to come – to cum ) Y magically orgasms. Every single time! Some ladies might find that ” to orgasm ” on command is a hard task to do. But who am I kidding * wave off * I´m thinking way to realistic. What do I know, right?

Let´s rehash-

X is fascinated by the fact that Y gets so wet for him all the time that he needs to announce it.

Y can orgasm on command effortlessly because X is DA SHIT!

Let´s do a real life version of a novel sex scene ( of course, a woman has a few options on how to respond to the magic words)-

Guy: „ oh, Baby….you´re so wet for me.“

Woman: ( option nr. 1 ) „ U-huh.“

Woman: ( option nr .2 ) „ Really? How bad is it down there?“

Woman: ( option nr. 3 ) „ Yeah, I´m so wet for you.“

Or the woman might not give any answer and enjoy what´s bound to happen.

Guy: „ You want to come? Then come, NOW!“

Woman: „ Hold on…I´m almost there…“

Guy: „ No. I want you to come, NOW“

Woman: „ I can´t now. Just keep doing what you´re doing…almost there…“

Guy: ” NOW! Damn it ! N.O.W! Why can´t you orgasm on command?!“

Woman: „ Because I´m NOT  Y from those non-unique sex scenes!!!!“

Do you see my point? A dialogue like that can make whatever feelings I developed disappear into thin air. Poof! Just like that. Gone.

It´s also just as cringe-worthy when the words „moist“ and „cream pie“ are over used. There must be a way to replace those words with something more… fitting? Moist are my kitchen towels after I dry the dishes. And cream pie…. it´s a pie or cake, for heaven’s sake.

And now- while we´re at it… Let us comb through the phrases used in sex scenes. Let´s call it the sex lingo.

Ready?

  • …she tasted like honey…..“ ( I guarantee you, no one tastes like honey down south. Male and female do NOT taste like honey. It´s just a fact. If it were true then you´d be seeing a lot more people going down and having a 3 course meal with „honey“)
  • .. until I finally found her secret center…“ ( A vagina isn´t Narnja. It´s not the rabbit hole that leads to Wonderland. It´s not Barbie´s secret garden, either)
  • …his maleness, passing the petal soft folds of her womanhood…“ ( No vagina lips can be compared to petals. Touch a rose petal then touch vagina lips. It ain´t possible. But touch a turkey´s overlapping skin on his neck and then try touching a vagina. And vagina lips don´t fold. They´re bunched in your underwear. )
  • … I was drowning in her juices…“ ( How many characters are leaking? )
  • …I was blinded as I soared over the edge…“ ( I never went blind before/during/after an orgasm. Maybe I´m doing something wrong? And I never soared anywhere except for the one time when I woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to turn on the bedroom light but missed the wall and switch and went „soaring“ towards the floor. That shit hurt.)

Why compare food and drinks to body fluids? Why not stick to the truth instead of misleading the innocent and giving them weird ideas? Am I thinking too realistic here?

Sometimes people don´t smell like Christmas spices when they pull down their underwear. I can already hear you say „ Eeeeew“ after reading that but it´s true. Any person who´s sexually active KNOWS the dark secrets of sex. And no author has interest in coloring out the harsh reality of event.

Most writers would rather have you believe it´s fabulous to give your partner a blowjob after being on the road for 12 hours with 3 bathroom breaks in between ( without the possibility to wash up..like, at all). There are no rose scents involved there, trust me. Yet, authors will have you believing that the sexual drive between their characters is greater than anything else. They let their characters focus on their lust and ignore the wet fox smell.

As you can probably tell by now, I´ve read some crazy stuff over the last few years and I have a strong feeling that nothing is going to change.

Can we just try to call „his sword“ a penis? Use cock, for all I care….but sword? And how about vagina instead of „where she was moist and desperate“? It´s a vagina. It´s a penis. Either you have one or the other. And maybe it´s a good time to mention that sex is fantastic but sex doesn´t always sell. 

I´m just afraid if young women ( who haven´t had sex yet) read those scenes….they´ll think it´s supposed to be like that in real life. * head against table*

Authors should try to come up with better lines. These people aren´t called artists for no reason. Authors have so many ideas and words to work with…. it should be a piece of cake to come up with something better than „You´re so wet for me.“. It´s really not funny anymore to read the same lines in 80% of all books I read.

This is not meant to discourage writers to include sex in their stories. This is meant to help spark their passion for finding better, more authentic words for their scenes.

Book Spotlight- Slammed, Point Of Retreat, This Girl by Colleen Hoover

Slammed ( Slammed #1 )

Book Descriptionslammed

Following the unexpected death of her father, 18-year-old Layken is forced to be the rock for both her mother and younger brother. Outwardly, she appears resilient and tenacious, but inwardly, she’s losing hope.

Enter Will Cooper: The attractive, 21-year-old new neighbor with an intriguing passion for slam poetry and a unique sense of humor. Within days of their introduction, Will and Layken form an intense emotional connection, leaving Layken with a renewed sense of hope.

Not long after an intense, heart-stopping first date, they are slammed to the core when a shocking revelation forces their new relationship to a sudden halt. Daily interactions become impossibly painful as they struggle to find a balance between the feelings that pull them together, and the secret that keeps them apart.

My Thoughts

Are you searching for something emotional? Would you like to read something that will touch your soul and break your heart and at the same time fix all your problems? Search no more. You´ve found what you´re looking for.

CAUTION: This review contains FOUL LANGUAGE. If you don´t approve of certain words I suggest you skip this review because, quite frankly, I have no other way to express my feelings towards this book.

What started out innocent turned into a „For fuck´s sake, why am I crying AGAIN!“ story. 354 pages of „I will never be able to emotionally recover.“. What on earth possessed this author to write such a gut wrenching, sob – worthy, fantastic story? Because- `Slammed` is exactly that. And it´s brilliant.

After the death of her father, Layken moves from Texas to Michigan with her mother and younger brother, leaving the only life she has known behind to start new.

Layken doesn´t like the change but is absolutely happy for her brother when he bonds with the neighbor´s kid, who also happens to have a hot, older brother. Will. Their new life doesn´t seem so gloomy after all. He introduces his passion, slam poetry, to Layken and soon enough, both hit it off and together they develop a relationship like no other.

Now, before I give away anything else, please know that this story is not what you think it is. It´s so much more. And if I´m honest, I have no fucking clue how I got through this read without breaking into a thousand pieces. My gray sofa was covered in a blanket of white crumbled tissues.

The main focus is at first on Layken and how she deals with the loss of her father, how she adjusts to her new life but also how she handles the quick happiness she´s found with Will. Their relationship has a twist but that´s nothing compared to what happens later in the story.

Sure, there´s romance, there´s wit, there´s cute moments where you wish you were that age again just to relive the intensity of a first love…. and the hope that that love stays your only love for the rest of your life. But life is about more than just love. It´s about what´s happening around you, too.

`Slammed` is moving, touching and, at times, so fucking unforgiving.. I didn´t know what to do with myself while reading. What these characters went through was beyond anything I would wish for anyone. The hurt, the loss, the love and the devastation ripped my heart in two. My tears wouldn´t stop flowing! God damn it. I haven´t felt this emotionally confused since `Hopeless` which is also from Colleen Hoover. ( I´m seeing a pattern here.) There were happy tears, sad tears, tears from relief, tears of sorrow… * head against table* And smiles. God, I was confused while reading `Slammed`. I´m not going to dive into the poetry from the characters because that´s just brutally raw. Fuck.

A story about young love, acceptance, forgiveness and above all, about life. `Slammed` is beautiful in the simplest way ever.

Would I recommend this book?

Fuck yeah. I recommend `Slammed` to everyone. READ THIS BOOK. Like- NOW.

The Cover – 5 stars ( It´s simple. It´s in color. It doesn´t really give away the story.)

The Story – 5+ stars ( For the love of God….. what a wonderful, heartbreaking / heartwarming and captivating story. )

The Characters – 5 stars ( Will made my Top 5 Book Boyfriend List. Layken- I want to give her a hug and never let her go. Sub- characters were fantastic. Very realistic. All loveable.)

My emotional state after finishing this read – Positively exhausted. Emotionally drained. I feel like everytime I think about this book I need a shot of something strong. I LOVE SLAMMED!!

I´m giving `Slammed` ( Slammed #1 ), by Colleen Hoover, 5 out of 5 brilliant stars.

`Slammed`( Slammed #1 ) is available in paperback and ebook format on Amazon.com

Point Of Retreat ( Slammed #2 )

 

Book Descriptionpoint-of-retreat

From the bestselling author of Slammed, comes Colleen Hoover’s next big hit.
Layken and Will have managed to overcome the obstacles that threatened to destroy their love, proving that they are destined for one another. What they are about to learn, however, is that the things that have brought them together may be the very things that ruin their connection forever…
Layken is left second-guessing the relationship whilst Will is jumping over hurdles to prove his love for her. What the young lovers discover about themselves along this journey may change their entire world and the lives of those who depend upon them the most…

My Thoughts

I´m, for once, thankful for a Colleen Hoover book that hasn´t brought me to tears.

Will and Lake´s story continues. `Point Of Retreat` ( Slammed #2 ) wasn´t as heartshattering as book #1, `Slammed` but it was just as intense (!!!). Right to the point where I was afraid for the MC´s relationship. Because, this couple is meant to be together. My emotions were all over the place.

After the events from `Slammed`, Will and Layken now have to learn how to deal with everyday life. With both being relatively young they decide to take over the parental roles and raise their siblings, which proves to be a challenge for the 19 and 23 year olds.

New problems surface, making Lake question her relationship. Life isn´t a box of chocolates for Layken but with the help of Will and a few friends life doesn´t seem so worthless. Or does it?

To make this short and simple ( since I´ve already gushed my feelings over the first book more than enough ) I loved this book. A perfect follow-up story that gives a reader the satisfaction of knowing what happens next.

`Point Of Retreat`is told from Will´s perspective, which I found was brilliant because I was dying to know how he saw Layken and the situation they were in. His character couldn´t be more opposite from Layken´s… Will was, less difficult.

Lake/Layken often acted like a little shit over peanuts but that can be blamed on the many issues she´s had to deal with within a short time span. Her life wasn´t easy and anyone in real life would have needed quite a few therapy sessions to get over what Layken dealt with. So, despite my love and understanding for her character I still felt a tad annoyed by her behavior.

All in all a really great read that tugged at all my heartstrings. I felt `Point Of Retreat`. I felt the heartache, the sadness, the happy moments, the intimacy, the power of Colleen Hoover´s writing.

Would I recommend this book?

Definitely. After you read `Slammed` a reader will most definitely want more and this book gives more. Also, this book shows how two young people manage life under difficult circumstances. I know alot of 30+ adults who haven´t a clue how to start managing anything for themselves. This could be an eye opener and if not then this book is definitely entertaining.

The Cover – 5 stars ( What´s more to say other than I really like it?)

The Story – 5 stars ( Perfect follow-up story that includes more beautiful poetry and meaning.)

The Characters – 4 stars ( Will was perfect. If Layken was a little less dramatic then I would have loved her just as much. And Julia. Oh. My. God. I want a Julia in my life. )

My emotional state after finishing this read – In love.

I´m giving `Point Of Retreat` ( Slammed #2 ), by Colleen Hoover, 5 out of 5 stars

You can purchase `Point Of Retreat`( Slammed #2 ) on Amazon.com

This Girl ( Slammed #3 )

Book Description  this-girl

Layken and Will’s love has managed to withstand the toughest of circumstances and the young lovers, now married, are beginning to feel safe and secure in their union. As much as Layken relishes their new life together, she finds herself wanting to know everything there is to know about her husband, even though Will makes it clear he prefers to keep the painful memories of the past where they belong. Still, he can’t resist his wife’s pleas and so he begins to untangle his side of the story, revealing for the first time his most intimate feelings and thoughts, retelling both the good and bad moments, and sharing a few shocking confessions of his own from the time when they first met.

In This Girl, Will tells the story of their complicated relationship from his point of view. Their future rests on how well they deal with the past in this final installment of the beloved Slammed series.

My Thoughts

`This Girl`. This book. THIS SERIES!

Be still, my beating heart… for this is the end of a phenomenal story. Or is it? I´m not sure. It sure looks like it´s the end and feels like it, too.

Either way- I´m bummed. So many feelings felt, so many tears shed and now I have to deal with the harsh reality of a life without Will & Layken.

I know, I know. All good things must come to an end at some point- especially when it comes to stories- but I´m not ready for this one to end.

When I saw the cover and tagline about the title my heart stopped.

Love conquers everything, but can it excuse the past?

I was terrified. There´s only so much fictional characters can go through without wanting to kill themselves or ending up in a nuthouse. My only option was to breathe and hope for the best. Right? It´s not like I have many useful feelings left for the author to play with. Colleen Hoover pretty much exhausted me ( in a good way, of course).

`This Girl` (Slammed #3 ) by Colleen Hoover is the honeymoon book. Here, a reader gets a story rehash in form of the MC having a stroll down memory lane while being on their honeymoon.

Again- If you believe I just revealed the whole story then you´re wrong. Aside from the flashbacks there are a few additional scenes and a total heartwarming epilogue, all told from Will´s POV. This is pretty awesome. * frantically nod *

While having their much deserved break from life, Will and Layken use the time to get deep and talk about… stuff. Things that are usually spoken about in private when couples reflect on their relationship and when they want to look forward. Brilliant!

`This Girl` is raw and real.

`This Girl` is a captivating story.

`This Girl` is a perfect.

A pretty swift and beautiful ending for a story that has milked my emotional household dry.

`This Girl` is a mandatory read for fans of the `Slammed` series. The whole series is a must read for everyone who isn´t familiar with the author or her books.

Now, let´s get back to the painful tagline from the book cover. I can answer that one easily.

YES! Love CAN excuse the past!! Now stop trying to play with the little feelings I have left, Mrs. Evil Author.

Would I recommend this book?

Yes. I would. I wouldn´t necessarily read `This Girl` before `Slammed` and `Point Of Retreat`, though.

The Cover – 5 stars ( It´s simple and the title doesn´t give anything away. Perfect.)

The Story – 4 stars ( It´s half a re-telling of book #1 and #2 with great additional scenes. )

The Characters – 5 stars ( Oh yeah. These figures won´t ever leave my heart.)

My emotional state after finishing this book– So grateful and utterly happy.

I´m giving `This Girl` ( Slammed #3 ), by Colleen Hoover 5 out of 5 stars.

This book can be bought over at Amazon.com

Thank you for reading today´s Book Spotlight. I hope you enjoyed. Much love….xx